War… it is inside my head

First some exciting news… there IS music other than K-pop in Korea. I have seen it! Last weekend i went to a music festival in Cheonan, South Korea. The event was at a bar called “Dolce” on friday, saturday and sunday. I could not make it for the friday gig but was there the other 2 days. it was great seeing some good Korean punk and hardcore. The 3 super highlights for me were the first band i saw that had the most dis-interested lead singer in the history of all time, i would give you the name but he didn’t mention it. The second would be “Self Made Hero” skate punk from Busan. They were AWESOME. And the third and most incredible band and great people were “Midnight Smoke Drive“. They were technically tight, the singer was sexy and awesome and it was just incredible! i met Self Made Hero and Midnight Smoke Drive and they were both really great people making up awesome bands. It was a fun time although the cheap room i stayed in was the living definition of a FLOPHOUSE!

NOW… on to the topic of my post, the war inside my head. I am going to say going into this i knew coming to Korea to teach would be a challenge on so many different levels. One unforeseen challenge is the insane loneliness that is my everyday life. Fact of the matter is i have never been alone… EVER. I have always lived with a person or people, i have always had cats and i have always been fairly near family. Here i do not so at times i have feelings and depression that i could not have anticipated.

I do things to keep my brain from chasing its tail like practice guitar and try to learn Japanese but the fact of the matter is i am lonely and completely alone a lot of the time. I am older than the other EPIK teachers so i can’t relate to most of them and although i am no stranger to beer i can’t keep up with the young bucks like i used too. When i go places (like the above bar) i was alone, when i walk to the gym i am alone, when i plan or do anything it is in complete isolation. My only real companion is my music. The kids always say “Martin teacher i saw you with headphones on” because i always have them on when i am not in school. So my mind thinks and thinks and over thinks because without the daily banter that goes on with co-workers and with family and friends your brain is forced to create its own. That is when the depression sinks in, that is when you start to think you are a forgotten shadow. A ghost.

I remember watching some life behind bars documentary and a lot of the convicts talked about how lonely it is and that family and friends are there in the beginning but slowly stop writing or visiting. To some degree that is how it is when you are abroad. At first people write and there are emails and letters but slowly you fade away and life back home goes on. It is understandable, everyone has their lives so it is not anyone’s fault. That is the way life goes; it is just hard sometimes. Your mind plays tricks on you, if you let it there will be a war inside your head.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Mark
    Oct 11, 2011 @ 02:48:36

    I know it’s not as easy as it sounds.. but try find a girlfriend!

  2. Custard Apple
    Oct 08, 2011 @ 03:23:52

    I have been thinking about you and how you life in Korea has turned out. I do hope things improve. I agree with the other poster that maybe it is better to shifting your thought to Japan if you still want to be English teacher. I am learning Japanese myself. I think I can relate to you when it comes to loneliness to a point being in a strange places where people don’t know much about you and where you are coming from.

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